It's there in the title folks. This comic series was as good as I was promised and then some. Especially Megatron's arc was everything I was hoping for. Definitely making a ridiculously long post about that.
As crazy as it sounds, I have a newfound belief in myself and will to live.
The implication of that statement is uniquely dark, I know, but I say it with an optimism I've desired for a very long time.
What has affected me the most is inarguably More Than Meets The Eye's huge breadth of human experience reflected in the bots we meet. Whether they be heroes, genuinely morally reprehensible, emotional, traumatised, stoic, reserved or ready to take on the world, they are treated as fully-fledged people with in-depth lives, emotions and motivations.
I currently have no words to succinctly describe just how beautiful this comic is. To anyone even remotely interested in reading it: Please do it. You won't regret it.
Today I'm sharing this extremely personal experience of mine simply because I don't want to hide anymore. I'm done wallowing in my misery and I'm done censoring myself.
As I was reading issue 51, I realised that the story was wrapping up. I felt sad. MTMTE is one of the greatest pieces of art I've ever experienced. Eventually, I also felt something different creeping into my mind; hope and inspiration. For years, I've been unable to apply my own philosophies to myself out of fear that I was rewarding someone who was in reality undeserving of, well, anything good. Something compelled me to write down my feelings:
“I'll never have a new beginning if I let this be my end. I will never enjoy the world fully, never meet more people, never see more places never experience more art. I’ll be gone yes, the pain will be gone, but there’ll be nothing left to fix.
I will suffer. I will suffer tremendously. But there is nothing that means more to me than the boundless imagination of humanity.
I will not succumb to the shadows because some insolent fools decided that I stand out too much to deserve to exist.
I mean something, certainly to myself but also to other people.
I will get up again. No matter how many times it happens I have to get up again.
I will be a part of the future, and it’s all the better for it.”
I realised that this feeling is not just the feeling of being changed; it's hope. It's hope for the future.
Living in defiance is not something that has appealed to me before, because I dislike being defiant simply for the sake of it. Then I realised that shame was my enemy to defeat, and that I can crush it if I keep going.
I'm quite sure it was MTMTE's themes of redemption and bettering the world that got to me along with relating deeply to many of the characters. I realised that even if I am dreadfully annoying, even if I've done awful things, even if everyone hates me, (which they don't) it still matters that I treat not just others but myself with respect and dignity. It's not possible to move on from or make up for the past if I constantly punish myself for it in the present.
My purpose is not to be in constant servitude of my fears and trauma. My purpose is my own. I'll live my life the way I want to in defiance of the fear that has been instilled in me. It won't be easy, but I'm not worried.
I have the rest of my life in front of me, after all.