They keep coming back to haunt me!

If you ask me why my mind latched onto these creatures, I'd say I don't know either. That isn't true, there's just too many loosely connected insane threads of interest overlap that we'd be here all day. I might not even link this page up properly, as I do not want anyone to throw braindead accusations at me.

If you don't know what kind of accusations I am referring to, you should be happy, as am I. I do know about the Alien's sexual imagery (I have eyes and so do you) and I. am. not. into. the. xenomorphs.

Got that? Alright, now it's time to get weird:

Not an exhaustive list. I'm not ranking the extra video game and comic iterations.

ALIEN DESIGN RANKING TIME:

8. Predalien

I really dislike yuatja/predators. I think they are really boring and should stay the fuck out of the alien franchise. I'm not even gonna show an image go google it yourself.

7. "Newborn" from Alien: Ressurrection

Why... Just... Why... This poor thing's existence is pitiful in so many ways. They tried to do some kind of maternal instinct dynamic, but it just didn't work. Nothing works here. Why they decided to make a sad, lanky mammalian xenomorph, is beyond me. Also, the ungrateful sod killed his own birthmother for no good reason. This is the epitome of designers going overboard with the "bio" aspect and completely forgetting about "mechanical". The movie also sucks ass...

...If you try to take it seriously, that is. If you wanna be weirded out and have a fun time with some atrocious acting, Alien: Ressurection is where it's at.

Fun fact: The director of this movie, Jean Pierre Jeaunet, went on to direct Amélie 4 years later. Very odd, I know. Ressurection's warm lighting is oddly similar to the lighting in some scenes in Amélie. The movie just... feels European. I can't quite explain it.

6. Alien: Covenant Xenomorph

I hate it here. What in the hell is this slobbering cretin even doing. It tapdances around like a moron and, AGAIN, it's too fleshy. I mean, it does have the eye holes, but they look less like a skull and more like you gave it cartoony angry eyes.

5. Aliens' Xenomorph

It's a real shame that the head is so bulky and jagged. I get that the head domes kept breaking during filming, but the head spikes are just not the same. The head is also really bulky. Could be worse, though.

4. Alien: Romulus Xenomorph

This one also suffers from bulky head syndrome, but the movie strives to respect the 1979 design, which is a big plus. They decided to go back to plantigrade feet and metallic teeth which I do like here. I don't like how the mouth ligaments look too structured and how open the jaws are. The effects are practical (HUGE bonus in my book) and for once the sexual under- and overtones are not shied away from. Just google the cocoon scene from this movie and you'll know what I mean.

3. Xenomorph Queen from Aliens

Sure, I would have preferred if the xenomorphs weren't changed to be a eusocial species with a queen that leads them, but the concept works well enough where it was introduced. It can work at times, and regardless of what you think about the space-bug-ification of xenomorphs, you gotta admit this design is sick as hell. She's dangerous, she fills the entire room, she is undoubtedly intelligent and she still has a certain kind of grace to her. The design really works and is extremely iconic for a reason.

An impressive feat of engineering for sure. She was part animatronic, part puppet, and it took ___ people to pilot her.

2. "Big Chap" from Alien (1979)

Sure, in the overexposed photos below and the final scene of the movie, the illusion is broken. It does work throughout the movie, because the alien is mostly obscured, which was an extremely smart choice. Fear of the unknown is a very powerful tool in horror. The suit holds up extraordinarily well, especially when considering how old it is. Nothing beats the original.

Latex holds up pretty bad over time, but some of the original suits are still around. This one from the Giger museum is not looking too bad honestly, given that it's well over 40 years old.

1. Alien: Isolation

I lied. ONE design beats the original. I love this design so much.

Lovingly called "Steve" or "Stompy" by fans of the game, this xenomorph interpretation has achieved GENUINE PERFECTION. Creative Assembly, the creators of Alien: Isolation, did not try to overwrite the design of the original "Big Chap" xenomorph. Instead, they improved upon aspects that were impossible to create with a real life costume. They made the creature ditigrade, and unlike in other incarnations, this physical trait is not accompanied by the mannerisms of a rabid dog. They also made the creature extremely elegant and flexible, just as Giger originally envisioned. [CITATION]

Bonus:

HELL YEAH THEY KEPT THE SKULL FOR ALIEN: ISOLATION 2! THANK FUCKING GOD!